Guidelines for Positive & Productive Elephant in the Room Discussions

Positive and Productive are not words normally used in the context of “Elephant in the Room Discussions.” The majority of these discussions end up going south. The insights given offer no guarantees, but do offer hope for a positive and productive outcome to
challenging discussions.

I. Prepare yourself for the discussion

• Pray for wisdom, self-control and compassion to fill your personhood. (If you prefer, check in to your “higher Power” or find that Power greater than yourself.)
• The second-best tool in our toolbox: “Help me to understand better?”
• Be prepared to take a deep breath when needed… maybe numerous deep breaths.
• Do not assume that you understand what you “heard” is what the speaker meant. Ask them to repeat or clarify. “I know you think you understand what you thought I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I said.” -Allen Greenspan
• Become familiar with the “blind men and elephant story.” Remember the story.
• Don’t enter the discussion with the goal of changing the other person’s mind. Recognize that you will probably not change the other person’s view. You might sow a seed that may lead to a change of opinion / view / belief.

“A mind changed against its will is of the same opinion still.” –Confuscious

It is God who prompts people to change. People when they are ready may or may not change their position.

• Humility on your part goes a long way in leading to positive & productive outcomes. Admit: I don’t have all the answers/information I need to respond wisely. I am expecting to learn from you… thanks in advance for teaching me.
• Meaningful outcomes for our discussion:
  – To understand where the other person is coming from.
  – To learn more about the subject matter (may be positive or negative).
  – A positive and productive outcome that leads to respectful relationships.
• We have 80% of life in common. The other 20% is what
  makes us unique. Lets grow through our encounters. I desire to
  learn from you, to respect you and most of all build in time, a
  meaningful relationship with you. I need to and I can learn from you. Thanks in advance for teaching me about your point of view.
• Setting “Ground Rules” can be very helpful: We will uphold each other’s dignity at all times. US (you + me) is more important that THIS (See the Acceptance/Approval Principle).
• Elephant in the Room Discussions for the most part (a high percentage) are not a debate, thus we are not out to score the most points, winning the discussion. (There are times for Debates… but when “Listening” it likely is not now.)

Don’t be overwhelmed with all of this information. Precious few people, if anyone uses all of the information you are about to read. Pick and choose what it is helpful and then head into Elephant in the
Room Discussions expecting a positive and productive outcome.

I have found using bits and pieces of the following insights do help SOME in moving you toward better understanding! This is neither the cure all, the whole enchilada or a guarantee of success.

PLEASE help us improve these insights with your thoughts and insights on what works (or doesn’t work) for you. We CAN IMPROVE our current experiences with practice over time.

II. When you Listen

• Always listen first to understand the other person’s point of view. Strive to learn from them. A student’s heart (“I can learn from you”) goes a long way. I may not agree with you, but I CAN learn from you. Thanks for teaching me.
• Apply the Golden Rule. Uphold people’s dignity, treat people with respect, give grace to all—especially to those who change their minds. It is ok to change your mind based on learning new information. The Platinum Rule (treat others as they would like to be treated) may or may not apply.
• Listening can be a magnificent two-way street. “Would you explain to me, your point of view?” Could I ask questions? Would it be ok for me then to discuss my views and you can ask me questions?
• When we ask questions, do it for the right reasons. Ask for clarification, to learn or gain information. Do not ask “gotcha questions.”
• Attempt to repeat or restate what the other person has said. Then ask, ”Did I understand you correctly? If they say, “No-not exactly”… ask them to briefly repeat their position. Then try again to repeat their position UNTIL you get it right… (Understanding them is very important to you, enough that you wish to get it right.) Make it clear you VALUE them enough to understand correctly.

III. When you speak

Briefly state your position up front. Then say, “My position may be different than yours, but that does not mean we cannot respectfully communicate.” Make it clear that you want to understand their position.

• I believe in the “Acceptance-Approval” Principle. We can Accept a person, while NOT Approving of a certain Belief or value they hold, or a behavior they practice. (We can also Befriend, Respect, and Relate
  well to that person.)

Say: “I accept each person as created in the image of God. We may be friends, but I may also disaprove or disagree (even strongly) about certain belief(s), behavior(s) or practice(s) the person holds.”

• I don’t have all the answers, I at times change my mind, I need to learn more. I am not totally sure of what the right questions are to ask.
• Use the words, “I believe–it is my opinion”…rather than “people say.” OWN your thoughts.
• “There seem to be points on both sides that intrigue me and need to be considered.”
• Do not raise your voice when discussing the matter. Louder DOES NOT make “Righter”. Some cultures prefer higher or louder decibel levels. Western (Notehr American) cultures are generally not of that persuasion.
• Always do your best to provide sources of information. Facts are not facts simply because you or someone else says they are.
  + Numbers and Statistics: we can make numbers prove nearly anything.
  + Educated People Believe: Instead Say: Educated people disagree, and learn new things.
  + The Facts Are (or) It is a Known Fact: Who checks facts; who checks fact checkers?
  + Science Teaches Us. People, educators, scientists, fact-checkers, theologians have their own biases; they don’t know everything and often experience new insights AND changes of mind.
• Be ready to give an answer for your beliefs and opinions. At times you may not have have a position or answer for a question. “I don’t know, but I will get back to you on my thoughts” is the right answer.  Then keep your promise.

Usually it comes down to:

• Whom do you trust?
• Who do you believe is telling you the truth?

IV. When we genuinely disagree…when tension levels rise

• When needed (before things get out of control) be prepared to call “Time-Out” for as long as it might be necessary. This includes a commitment to resume the conversation in a reasonable amount of time.
• We can and must agree to respectfully disagree, and still remain friends. We may or may not be on the same team. We may need part ways peacefully.
• Should people get angry, their voice rise and the decibel level goes up:  Remember: A soft answer turns away wrath or anger. SPEAK SOFTLY.
• Humor can ease tension, lower the room temperature and blood pressures, and bring needed laughter and smiles. Do NOT use put-down humor, NEVER LAUGH AT someone. Use sarcasm sparingly. Be able to poke fun at yourself and your views.

Humor is very much like dynamite… handle it wisely and carefully.

V. Closing the Discussion

We can and must agree to respectfully disagree, and still remain friends. We may or may not be on the “same team”. We need to part ways peacefully.

Thank people for having the discussion with you. Say: “Thanks for helping me to better understand you. Can we talk some more?”

A wise first century author (James) gave this advice:

“Be Quick to Hear; Be Slow to Speak and Slow to Anger.”